Does Male Socialization Contribute to Abuse of Women?

Here is an interesting article I came across today on cnn.com. It was written by Anthony Porter, an educator and activist who has worked  for over twenty years in an effort to end men's violence against women. Mr. Porter is one of the co-founders behind A CALL TO MEN: The National Association of Men and Women Committed to Ending Violence Against Women (http://www.acalltomen.com/index.php). He is also the author of "Well Meaning Men...Breaking Out of the Man Box - Ending Violence Against Women" and the inspiration for the book, NFL Dads Dedicated to Daughters.

(CNN) -- It's time for those of us who are good men to start acknowledging the role that male socialization plays in domestic and sexual violence. As good men, we must begin to acknowledge and own our responsibility to be part of the solution to ending violence against women and girls.
What is a good man?
A good man is a man who believes women should be respected. A good man would not assault a woman. A good man believes in equality for women. A good man honors the women in his life. A good man, for all practical purposes, is a nice guy. We believe this to be the majority of men.
There is a minority of men who perpetuate a tremendous amount of violence against women. These men are counting on good men to stay true to rules -- the rules that actually allow them to be who they are in the presence of good men. These rules are what we call the ingredients in the "man box." These rules are also the foundation of how we as men collectively define manhood.
The man box teaches us as men that we must be tough, strong, aggressive and dominating. We are taught not to show feelings and emotions. We are taught that we should be in charge, leaders and protectors. And if we fall short we lose our status and are placed outside the box.
Outside the box is reserved for women, and for men defined as being less than fully male, or "woman-like". The man box at times can be hypermasculine and extremely homophobic. With that being said, "outside the man box" is a place most men don't want to be. So we find ourselves staying true to the rules of the man box, many times operating from a subconscious place, just on remote control, doing what's natural to us.
We as good men don't realize that every time we tell a boy that he is acting like a girl, we are actually saying that girls are "less than." We all know that a college freshman woman is known on campus as "fresh meat." And while we know that domestic violence is wrong and a crime, it continues to be tolerated in many of our communities.
It is with this understanding that our work, our vision, is not to beat up on good men, but instead to help us understand, through a process of re-education and accountability, that with all of our goodness, we still have been socialized to maintain a system of domination, dehumanization and oppression over women. While we as good men would never hurt women, our collective socialization is the foundation that violence against women is built upon.
There are three key aspects of male socialization that are the foundation of men's violence against women:
• Men viewing women as "less than;"
• Men treating women as property;
• Men viewing women as objects.
We as good men have to find our voice and began to challenge this collective socialization of men. We as good men have to teach our sons and other young men how to truly respect and promote equality for women.
We as good men have to envision the world we want to see for our daughters and other girls -- and in that world how would we want to see our sons and other men acting and behaving. We must as good men understand that the world we want for our daughters and other girls won't happen through osmosis. We as good men have to break out of the man box, stand up and speak out to end violence against women and girls.

Emotional abusers use Mixed Messages to control and Manipulate

           Among the many things I lost while in an abusive relationship, one of the most important was my ability to trust in myself. I lost all faith in my perceptions, I didn’t believe my feelings had any validity, I was conditioned to believe my thoughts didn’t matter and that my opinions were either stupid or wrong.

            Have you ever gone into a conversation or situation feeling confident, comfortable and safe and walking away angry, confused, hurt, and shamed. Wondering “What the hell just happened?”, “Did I miss something?” This is very common in abusive relationships.

             Abusers use mixed messages as a way to keep you off balance and confused; questioning your abilities, views and values. They also use it as a tool to isolate you from your friends and family. Sending mixed messages is just one of the many ways that they can gain and maintain control

            We often hear things like “trust your instinct” or “go with your gut”? These types of statements may seem natural and intuitive but when living in an abusive relationship it is easy to lose the ability to do this.  Abusers systematically erode their partner’s ability to trust their own thoughts and feelings. They destroy the victim’s ability to distinguish between what is real and what is not through isolation, manipulation and guilt. The victim is left with feelings of confusion, doubt, insecurity and fear.

            An emotional abuser will do this with a repeated pattern of building up then tearing down, by blaming his/her partner for their anger or insecurity and with a constant stream of mixed messages. He/she will systematically maneuver his/her victim into a position where they find themselves doubting their own perceptions. 

            Has your spouse or significant other ever said, things like “Sure, go out with your friends, you deserve to have a good time” but you know he/she doesn't really want you to go? It may be the body language that says "says don't worry about me I'll sit here by myself and be lonely” or the tone of voice, that says “you will owe me because I am allowing you to go out”.  You know that when you get home you will have to deal with a sullen, withdrawn or angry partner. This type of unspoken manipulation plays on your own guilt fear and insecurity.

             So you go out anyway and find you are unable to have a good time because you are preoccupied with thoughts of what he/she doing or thinking, what it's going to be like when you get home. Instead of laughing and relaxing and enjoying yourself you are feeling guilt and trepidation. You find yourself constantly checking the time. Wondering how soon you can leave without offending your friends while at the same time wanting to be home early enough to minimize the scene that's waiting for you at home.

            There is no consistency to how an abuser will react, another way to keep you off balance. One night you may come home early and there is no argument, no silent treatment, no confirmation that the unspoken words of earlier had ever been uttered. This may happen several times in a row until you have convinced yourself that your perception was wrong and you were silly to even doubt him. You gain confidence and feel safe and then there's that one night when you come home and all your original feeling are confirmed when the abuse begins. It maybe yelling and screaming, maybe the silent treatment or the guilt trip. It really doesn't matter what tactic he/she uses, the end result is the same.

            The abuser delivers an original mixed message, his/her subsequent behavior manipulates your thoughts and feelings in a direction that leaves you doubting your perceptions and questioning yourself. He/she will then change their behavior again so the victim is never sure what to think or how to act.  This pattern will repeat itself over and over until the victim is left paralyzed by fear and confusion, without enough confidence to make decisions for him/herself, reliant on the abuser.

            If any of this sounds familiar there are some things that you can do to help:

·         Have your partner be clear and direct. Ask questions until you get a clear statement and then act off the words, not the message.

·         Talk to a friend, relative or co-worker. Share with them the conversation/incident and get their opinion and impressions.

·         Take some time away from the person you feel is being abusive and assess why you are in this type of relationship

·         Think about the relationships you have with your friends and co-workers. Do all your relationships leave you feeling angry, hurt and confused or is it just the one with your abuser?

Always remember: it’s called survival instinct for a reason.

Characteristics of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

There is currently not a single, clear cut definition of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is instead defined by a set or combination of traits, acts or behaviors that are designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, guilt, intimidation, humiliation or manipulation.

• The U.S. Department of Justice defines emotional abuse as “any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure or wound someone”^[1]. Including causing fear by intimidation, threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends, destruction of pets and property, forcing isolation from family, friends, or school or work.
• Health Canada defines emotional abuse as including rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting/exploiting and "denying emotional responsiveness" as characteristic of emotional abuse^[2].
• Andrew Vachss, an author, attorney and former sex crimes investigator, defines emotional abuse as “the systematic diminishment of another”.
• Conflict Tactics Scales (the instrument most widely used by professionals for identifying domestic violence) measures roughly 20 distinct acts of "psychological aggression" in three different categories: Verbal aggression, Dominant behaviors and Jealous behaviors.

It is important to remember that a single incident does not constitute abuse. Abuse is a pattern of behavior that occurs over time. It is repetitive, sustained and usually progressive.

Emotional abuse is silent, insidious and extremely dangerous to the victim. It slowly and systematically wears away at the victim’s soul. It erodes self-worth, confidence, trust, faith and the ability to have confidence in one’s own perceptions.

Emotional abuse is also harmful to a person’s physical health. Typically people in abusive relationships don’t eat or sleep properly and can suffer from stress-related conditions such as chronic fatigue, anxiety attacks, depression, high blood pressure, peptic ulcers, poor immune function, migraines, alcoholism and smoking-related respiratory aliments

I have compiled an extensive list with brief notes about each behavior or tactic that an abuser might use to control and manipulate his/her partner. It is important to understand that you don’t have to experience ALL of these to be abused. ANY of these behaviors, either alone or in combination, which are part of a “repeated pattern”, are abusive!

• Extreme jealousy: not only of other men/women but of friends, family, work and even children
• Isolation: keeping you from family, friends and other sources of emotional support
• Emotional withholding: will not share his/her feelings and is not aware, receptive or sensitive to yours, the silent treatment
• Lack of intimacy: doesn’t hold your hand or cuddle,
• Verbal abuse: insults, yelling, name-calling, shame, sarcasm, or threats
• Humiliation: public criticism, reminding you of embarrassing moments
• Threats: verbal threats such as “you will be sorry”, physical threats such as throwing or breaking things
• Lies: including withholding information, telling half-truths or rearranging the facts
• Mixed messages: tell you he/she loves you, but treats you badly
• Dependence: threats of loss of financial security, or tries to convince you that you are no good without him, nobody else will want you
• Fear: an unspoken understanding that there will be bad consequences if you don’t do what he/she wants
• Raging: yelling, screaming, punching walls, breaking things
• Sexual coercion: using guilt, shame, physical force or drugs in order to have sexual relations
• Blame: says it’s your fault when he/she mistreats you, says you are responsible for how he/she feels 
• Secret-keeping: acts differently in public than in private 
• Spiritual abuse: using religious teachings to justify demands for submission or conformity. 
• Physical violence: slapping, punching, kicking, grabbing, pinching, pushing, biting, choking

1. http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/domviolence.htm
2. www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/familyviolence/pdfs/emotion.pdf Emotional Abuse. 1996. ISBN 0-662-24593-8